If you or your family hear the sound of an air raid siren
Over the course of the next few days,
Do not return to your house to collect personal belongings.
It is essential that you do not hesitate in taking the appropriate action.
You should panic immediately.
Total and utter panic is the only reasonable response.
Anything else is simply denying your inevitable death and destruction.
This would not only be futile,
But would reduce your chances of being killed more quickly.
Tests have shown that people running round in utter desperation
Are five times more likely to receive shrapnel wounds,
And are ten times more likely to be shot by other panicking individuals.
By hiding in your house and painting the windows white,
You will prolong the agony that you and your loved ones will suffer.
Leave your house, run around in the streets, and panic.
The sense of shared anguish may even serve to bond your community
Just moments before all of you are wiped out forever
By the dirty bomb that destroys the Starbucks on the High Street.
Panic and the whole world panics with you.
Rejoice in your panicking.
Enjoy the unfettered sense of freedom that you will only once,
And then only fleetingly, enjoy.
Panic, and ensure that all those around you panic too.
Information packs on the best methods of displaying
And appreciating panic are available now in all main post offices.
These are free, and include a large absorbent perforated section
In case you accidentally exceed the recommended panic state.
Get your copy today and ensure that you and your family
Are completely familiar with the contents.
Moments spent quietly now will ensure your final moments
Fully exploit the potential, of the ensuing disaster.

Thank you for listening.
May I wish you a pleasant evening.