My government has presented a very urgent matter to me.
It has looked at all the options suggested very carefully.
Regretfully we must introduce "University Mop-Up Charges".
It is the only fair way to attribute the cost of the service.

When you look at the state of streets around the student union bar
I know that you'll sympathise with the need for a "Mop-Up Tsar".
Just one peek round the door of any student house's bathroom
Will make you realise the urgency of "Hygiene Reaction Forces".

On average, students will earn more than their less educated peers.
It's true that they will develop a taste for strange imported beers.
But I'm afraid that without additional funding for some cleaning
These people will fall ill and be lost from our expanding economy.

So I put it to you, my fellow men and women, the electorate.
That we should make them pay, and set up an "Inspectorate".
And of course there'll be arrangements for those who cannot pay.
It will be they that do the cleaning, so they will earn respect.

So remember who introduced "University Mop-Up Charges",
When the time next comes, for you to vote.